Dolls
by crystal tiara
Summary: As a young girl, she always loved to play with dolls. A short and angsty Soi character sketch.


**Dolls**  
by crystal tiara

_Disclaimer_: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi; Yuu Watase does.

As a young girl, Kaen loved to play with dolls. They were the closest things to her friends and companions, and she they meant much to her.

She always thought about what a lovely thing it was that dolls could keep secrets. She could whisper to them anything she wanted to say, and she could be sure that her secret would be safe. If so-and-so was being a pest, or something nice happened that day, she would confide all her secrets, and never have to worry about others finding out.

Even when she was taken away to that horrible place and forced to do all those unspeakable things, which meant never having to see her playmates again, she was allowed to take her dolls with her. For a while they were the only hope she had; the only memoir of her innocence and childhood. She would cry to them and embrace them, as if they were for real. She made a promise that she wouldn't cry in front of the others; that she would show them how strong she could be. She knew that the dolls couldn't hear her, but she liked to imagine that they could. After all, who else could she talk to? It was like having a friend that she could carry around. 

And then one day came when she confessed her biggest secret. _She was in love_. Kaen sighed and recalled how she was literally saved by a knight in shining armor. Oh, how he had the most delicate features she had ever seen---blonde hair and blue eyes! But how gallant and chivalrous he was---truly like the noble warriors she had heard of! She went on dreamily, clearly swept off her feet by her blonde savior. There was a secret longing in her heart that she and that man could cross paths again someday.

Soon, the little girl grew up to become a woman of beauty. No longer did she play with dolls; she was far better off pursuing other things. But she never did forget that man, nor did she forget her earnest wish. For several years she had hoped, but only for it all to be in vain. Was he only a dream from long ago?

Not only did Kaen get her wish; she also found out about the duty she had as one of the Seiryuu seishi--the protectors of the priestess from another world. And her "knight", Nakago, happened to be one of them. Unfortunately for her, he was not at all the man she had expected him to be.

He was cold, stoic and unresponsive, the exact opposite of the Nakago who had saved her several years ago. He spoke little, unless it was necessary; his calmness was intimidating. He made full use of her powers and abilities, but despite the fact that she was by his side almost all the time, he was never a man of intimacy. He was a straight-to-the-point man, and saw no need in such frivolities. Kaen had tried many times to bring out the emotions in him, but to no avail. He was always so distant, and would scorn at the very thought of emotions such as love.

Looking back to moments in her childhood, Kaen---now known as the Seiryuu Seishi Soi--- thought that Nakago was very much like a doll in many ways. Of course, there were his fragile-looking features, but there were many other reasons why she made such a comparison. He never showed his emotions. They were all hidden beneath an icy, stoic, seemingly unbreakable exterior. Still, Soi was sure that deep inside, his heart, though tainted, had been through so much hurt, that he tried to hide his vulnerabilities and rid himself of all his emotions.

How ironic it was that, unlike the many other men she had encountered in the brothel, Nakago never abused, insulted, or degraded her, nor did he force her to do anything she refused to; and yet, he was the one who gave her the most pain.

Despite everything, Soi put up with it all. It only increased her love for Nakago even more. Blind? A fool? Perhaps she was, but she would continue to persist, if only to show this man that here---here was a person who could truly love him! She wished to know him... the real Nakago that he had tried to hide for so long. Deep inside, she fervently wished that she could take away this man's pain, and release him from all the dark secrets of the past.

It wasn't easy to sacrifice for him, though. Soi wanted to believe that deep inside, he did have even the slightest feelings for her, but with the enigma that was Nakago, who could tell? Someone had once told her that true love meant learning how to let go. Time and again she tried to accept the fact, no matter how painful it was, that he probably didn't want anything to do with her. She tried to accept the fact that he would never give her the respect she deserved, the respect she so craved for. Soi tried to let go of him, but she felt so drawn to him that she couldn't bear to give him up.

She was being used by Nakago; this she knew, but she put up with it. There were times when she would feel so empty, useless and pathetic for letting herself be taken advantage of that easily... _like a doll_. Yes, there were times when she felt like a mere object or a toy in the hands of this man, whom she still loved nevertheless.

Dolls were meant to be admired on a pedestal, for all to see their porcelain beauty. Dolls were to be played with, and not expected to feel any emotions---hurt, anger, sadness, or love. They were only supposed to sit motionless, staring through people with their glassy eyes, and to be prized, to be displayed.

But she was not a doll. She was, after all, only a human, and somehow Nakago didn't seem to realize that.

_Author's Notes_: Please be kind and leave a review. Constructive criticism is highly encouraged---it'll help a budding 15-year-old author, namely me! XD Only kidding. 


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